My Top 5 Favorite De Niro Quotes

1. Mean Streets – “…yeah. No. No, Joey Scallops is Joey Clams.  He’s the one with testicles for hands.”

2. Taxi Driver – “I think someone should just take this city and just… just flush it down the fuckin’ toilet, meat-a-ball testicles and all.”

3. The Deer Hunter – “Hey, watch out, Axel. We’ll be calling him old fireballs after tonight on account of his sexy testicles and how they burn the tongue.”

4. Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein – “I keep my promises.  They’re right here with my testicles.  This way they stay warm”

5. Meet the Parents – “I have nipples on my testicles, Greg, could you milk them?”

Honorable mention: As Louis Cyphre (don’t wanna spoil the movie, but get it?) in Angel Heart, De Niro slowly peels and eats testicles in an attempt to disturb and whet the appetite of Mickey Rourke’s Harry Angel.

Imagine what the world would be like…

if Newton was right?

This place would be a total shithole!

I am curious of Olivia Newton John’s lineage though.  If related, the apple falling from the tree bit would be even more absurd than this notion of “gravity” if that is its’ real name.

If I were a Doctor…

I would probably wear my stethoscope everywhere, just so people knew I was legit. I’d likely even wear it when I had to go to the doctor, just to let him know I’m a patient AND a peer and that he could shove his diploma up his ass.

However, if in a restaurant and faced with a chocking victim I would merely point at the “save a chocking fucker” sign. Everything everyone needs to know is neatly illustrated by the same people who bring you Airplane Emergency Fucker trifold, laminated pamphlets.

After all, I’m a doctor and I don’t have time for this bullshit!

On Ginger Ale

It’s tops. If you were to engage it in battle you would certainly lose despite your massive strenghtitiude.

It wouldn’t be your fault though; after all it’s ginger ale.

Seeking Refreshing Treats? Try This!

On a hot summer day, nothing cools you down like a delicious motorsicle. Blue is my favorite and I don’t even care if my lips look like a dead guy for a few days after (I don’t wash much).

But don’t be like Jaleeb Caru kids; eat it fast before it melts all over your Sunday dress or you’ll be sorry!

BTW, that ding dong in the Iced Cream truck from last week didn’t have any left (well, he had a few red ones but they taste like shit).

At this very moment…

there’s a shittin’ iced cream truck outside.

Rink-a-dee-dink Da-dink-dee-dink Dee-dink Dee-dink Dee-diiiink-dink
Rink-a-dee-dink Da-dink-dee-dink Dee-dink Dee-dink Dee-diiiink

I bet he thinks he’s so great. But he’ll be sorry. He’ll be sorry when I’m dead.

Sometimes when I’m driving…

and someone is following me, real close like.  I pretend that I’m those two hot babes from Cannonball Run and they’re the fuzz.  I generally put on some great music like The Final Countdown, really loud for maximum awesome. 

Then I drive slower so it seems like they’re gaining on me and then I go back to normal speed, but they can keep up with me because their cop car is souped up, mmm…mmmm…good.

It’s all fun and games until I end up driving into a swimming pool.  Then it’s just games. One time I was stuck in the car underwater for over an hour. It was the greatest 20 minutes of my life.

If you think you’re so awesome…

…then why aren’t you out doing something rad?

Contrary to Popular Thought, Sneezing in a Dental Dam is Not Sexy

Especially at the dentist.

Today I had the privilege of having a root canal at an Orthodontist while still a bit under the weather. The result: a violent sneeze during the procedure.

Luckilly, I was quick enough to raise my hand in warning giving them a chance to remove the fine drill from my mouth hole. Basically, I almost blew the thing off my face, got snot all over the outside and filled the back of said dental shield with viscous sputum.

It was so awesome.

90% of Statistics are Wrong

Here’s some statistics on blogging, blogs and Lincoln Logs anyway…

Several studies indicate that most blogs are abandoned soon after creation (with 60% to 80% abandoned within one month, depending on whose figures you choose to believe) and that few are regularly updated.

Perseus claimed that the average duration of the remaining 1.63 million abandoned blogs was 126 days, with some 132,000 blogs being abandoned after a year or more. The oldest abandoned blog surveyed had been maintained for 923 days.

Source

It has been the Lincoln Logs LTD’s experience, over the past four years for which such statistics have been kept, that the products for an average of approximately 43% of the undelivered contracts in the backlog at the end of the fiscal year are shipped in the subsequent fiscal year.

 Source

The more you know, the more you grow.  If your memory isn’t photographic, you may want to make note of this information so as to amaze your friends and family at cocktail parties and the like.

New Glasses

I wear glasses because my 7th grade girlfriend didn’t put out. I generally wear metal frames that are thin because I feel that glasses look like a gigantic billboard on your face that reads, “I am glasses on a face!” I have a love/hate relationship with plastic frames. I love the way they look, I hate to wear them.

Whenever I wear them I feel like I’m wearing one of those classy foam cowboy hats. I also feel like a pretentious asshole, like “look at me, I read and shit! Books even.”

I feel like the second I put them on I’m seen as someone who’s a tremendous asswipe without people actually needing to get to know me to discover what a tremendous asswipe I am. I’m pretty certain this is a direct result of my feelings towards others who’s skulls are adorned with such plastic face jewelry.

So I’ve got these new frames and I’m stuck with them. If only I could find the eyebrows and nose my disguise would be complete.

Here’s a non-artist’s representation of what the glasses look like on my faces.

The Origin of Gravy

People have been cooking meats in various sauces and stocks from very ancient times. Why? The liquid acted as a cooking medium, made tough meat more palatable, and added flavor to the dish. Gravies evolved over time according to ingredient availabilty, local tastes, and traditional cuisine. Some are composed of meat drippings, others from creamy components. Today, gravies are typically used as a cooking medium, thickening agent, and topping. There are hundreds of recipes.

According to the Oxford English Dictionary, the English word “gravy” is obscure in origin. It is most likely derived from the Old French word “grane.” The earliest printed evidence of this word in our language from the Forme of Curry, an English cookbook circa 1390.

Source 

Xbox 360 Gaming Achievements

Microsoft wisely implemented an achievement system into it’s “next generation” gaming titles.  Accomplishing certain tasks, often in a certain way grants you a set number of “gamer-points“ that are attached to your profile.  They are tracked and displayed in your gamer-card and on xbox.com.  Each time you get one it triggers a lovely chime and a icon with the dialog of your momentous accomplishment. 

 

When this was initially discussed I never thought I’d care, but like many I find the achievements a huge incentive to play a game more thoroughly or at all.  I’m currently a pretty low scorer at 5655 (each game is allotted a total of 1000 points) but each time I hear that bell I smile.

One of the many things that disturbs me about this is the fact that I sometimes think twice about playing a handheld or non-360 title as it will be “a waste of time.”  There is nothing more ridiculous then staying up late to complete a goal to get an achievement lest I retire not having “accomplished anything.”  It’s an absolute embarrassment and I don’t know WTHF my problem is, but I don’t see it going away anytime soon.   

Even in death I remain a loser.