One time, one summer, they were getting rid of shirts for post price only and I sent them Two Dollars and they sent one and it never got here.  Then they were all like, “sorry.”  Then after the eighteenth email, they stopped taking my calls.

Cut to today (that’s right, I’m Joe Hollywood so I can talk like that), they get these great new shirts in stock that they will only be selling at shows.  Shows that will not be in the greater NY area because apparantly they can travel to Russia like they’re rich and fancy but cannot grace teh America with their brand of Atomic Age New Wave leaving Man or Astroman? to maintain their monopoly now that they killed Servotron with their bear hands.

Now I love shirts only available at performances on account of them being rare and more important, but I was unable to be a big enough person not to blog the shit out of this shirt shit.  But fact is, if you want something done poorly, you have to do it yourself.

And so I did.  I did something else…myself.

ALSO AVAILABLE IN BLACK!

Swanson Uniform Shirt

ARE YOU TOUGH AS NAILS?

Would you rather sleep on a bed of pine needles than a mattress? Do you find video games pointless, and shopping malls stupid? Do you march to the beat of your own drummer? Did you make the drum yourself?

If so, you might just have what it takes to be a Swanson; Pawnee’s most hardcore outdoor club starts today. Boys and girls welcome.

Available here at the LOL shop.

Additionally, I currently offer some other TV/Film parody shirts in the Entertainment Parody Category.   My Jaleeb Caru is Dead Category features a bunch of shirts that range from the silly to the absurd.

S4E10: Salud (Barrel of Bees Shirt)

When being tested by the Cartel, Jessie’s steps up the tough guy and continues to prove that he’s truly comfortable with who he is, “the bad guy.”  When challenged to make a portion of the “cook” that’s usually already there Jesse confides in Gustavo saying, “Look, I get my phenylacetic acid from the barrel with the bee on it. That’s how I do it.”  He then makes the Cartel chemists do it for him after calling them “asshole.”

Available here at the LOL shop.

Additionally, I currently offer some other TV/Film parody shirts in the Entertainment Parody Category.   My Jaleeb Caru is Dead Category features a bunch of shirts that range from the silly to the absurd.

S4E1: Box Cutter (Gustavo Fring Utility Knife)
Available in both Light and Dark Shirt Colors.

I think I’m mostly proud of the utility knife artwork that was composed by Jerome G., artist to the stars.

Must love Gustavo.  A tremendous character and while the peaceful, quiet and kind smart guy who’s also a badass Baracus isn’t new, rarely is he so well written and acted.

Additionally, I currently offer some other TV/Film parody shirts in the…wait for iiiiittttt……Entertainment Parody Category.   My Jaleeb Caru is Dead Category features a bunch of shirts that range from the silly to the absurd.

Today I received some messages from a number I don’t know, these are their words…

3:02 – “the fact that u can throw this whole thing out the window repeatedly is backseat [sic] is something”

3:05 – “pls ignore message…not important…have a nice life”

3:23 – “sorry bout that…those previous messages were unnecessary…this cannot be repaired…it is tossed aside to [sic] easily…time to move on for good..”

MY REPLY: 3:52 – “FINE THEN!!!  See if I care, I’ll tell the world about u still being a nasty ass bed-wetter and how I did your dad that day when you was ballin’ anyways.  C’est la vie, ya prick!”

Making friends IS easy!

I wouldn’t want to be them bitches for all the money in the world.

So Dean Ween and Jean Ween created a total of six after repeated rejections. I believe this was their 5th…

[Sorry, I have to put a "new window" link for copyright stuffs]

Where’d the Cheese Go?

Then on the final submission (and I’m not 100% sure this is true, but I’m not the effing news) they submitted this one…

Where’d The Cheese Go? Rev6 (NSFW)

8 years later and it still makes me crack up.

I’ve seen Chris Marker’s French post-nuclear war, La Jetée tons of times. It is made (almost) entirely of static still images using almost all hard cuts with a few dissolves and voice overs in French with some muttering in German. In the last week I watched it seven times in two sessions (it’s only a half hour, but still, I was obsessing on it and thinking about it alot). I’ve been watching it lately on IFC in “HD” but it’s viewable on YouTube at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ClvTYd4XnEc.

I’ve been wanting to make a video for Cavalry from Alice Donut’s 10 Glorious Animals since the great album first came out. I was initially going to use footage from Medic (a 1954 NBC show starring Richard Boone) but found the footage to not fit my vision. Also, it would have taken a long time and I don’t have the luxury of doing videos that take long to create for fun. So I gave up on it.

Yesterday, I decided to combine the three in a historically partially accurate story of the Fire, in an imperfect homage to La Jette set to the somewhat relevant tune.

After hour and hour of hard labor, this is what came out.

This is not an officially sanctioned Alice Donut video and I own no rights to it, though the photos are public domain. The song is actually called Cavalry, but I thought a French title slate was necessary as the parody was unclear due to the quality of the photos, the quality of the edit and the lack of narration.

However, it does allow enough customization and require enough skill to make it worth playing over and over. Therefor, everyone should play it and beat me at it (as I know you will). Like Mario Kart, it uses power-ups for fun and fighting.

Now available in the Entertainment / Parody section of my shop. I’ve got some shirts sporting the power-ups.

Here’s a closer shot of the Nitro Power-up T. You can customize the color of the shirt, but I’m not sure how great that would turn out. I’ll make the Shield and Bolt if there’s any interest.

I know I’m all over the Shunt because that’s the only one I know how to use. I stink.

Back in ’69 most European license plates looked the same.  So in an effort to distinguish it was required that you apply a sticker with your country code of origin.

Later it became cool to put stickers of places your ancestors are from that you’ve never been to because many could only identify with their heritage as they lacked any personality of note.

Then it was quiet and suddenly, out of the silence came a shitload of stupid novelty oval stickers that were basically the equivalent of Calvin peeing on something only less funny and more low brow than a “no fat chicks” sticker (which lacks the subtlety of the “free mustache rides t-shirt).  Many even had pictures, can you believe it?  Even worse, plenty were showcasing agendas.

Today, we’ve risen above the bad taste and simply have stickers that are so personalized that they’re unidentifyable.  Is that a football team, a tv show or an internet meme that’s over my head?

Oh it’s your alma mater? Well sir, they owe you an education because you are clearly a dipshit!

Unlike the image that we all share of happy workers, working hard today like the ones below in the multiculturally diverse, business looking stock photo; FaceBook users are actually more likely to be wearing a frown than an unnatural smile and breakaway Dockers while standing in a triangular flight formation.

The remaining 2% of FaceBook users may or may not be happy to be working today.  It’s difficult to tell as they are currently posting the food they are, or plan on eating, the bowel movement they recently parted with, the Cuban gangster they just killed or something political that they cut and pasted from a junk email from their cousin’s idiot girlfriend who they pretend to like.

An inside source, Susie “Lolcat” Lewis who wishes to remain unanimous “friended” a Census employee named Margaret Hughes and was surprised to discover that even her “friend” was occasionally unhappy to be at work today.  However, since Margaret Hughes (the data entry clerk on the fourth floor and who consumes a Cathy mug of cheap bourbon three times a working day) continuously rejects our friend request; we have yet to confirm this allegation.

Further studies suggest that even some non-FaceBook users are unhappy to be at work today. However, this could not be confirmed as they had no way of communicating this information with that kid from grammar school that they never spoke to because she smelled like cheeses, or anyone for that matter, as most businesses have now adopted the “No Sharpies in the Bathroom Stall” policy engineered by Sony.

Businesses around the globe struggle to find the source of this problem that has grown exponentially at almost the exact same rate as the popularity of social networking, yet they have made no progress today.  However according to most business leaders’s status updates, they have made great progress in getting new animals in their farm.

A side study also discovered that 100% of all white people thought the person in the front of the above photo was “that boss lady from Law & Order; the good one, not the overrated one for perverts to get their jollies to.”

The writer of this article wishes to remain anonymous as any of his FaceBook friends would be well aware of the fact that he didn’t feel like being at work on the day he wrote this article, which coincidentally was today.  Also, this article sounded funnier in his head when he couldn’t sleep last night and now he thinks The Onion probably did it three years ago with better grammar and  funny.

Now available in the Entertainment / Parody section of my shop. I’ve got another warning sign and the logo, retro style, for the greatest roller coaster in the universes; Dark Carnival’s The Screaming Oak.

More to come.  This game bleeds goodness.

I’m currently working on two other homage shirts that I plan to complete prior to the launch of the game and I have quite a few ideas for future ones. The world they’ve created just has so much to it that there’s an endless supply of fun shirt ideas.

The T-Shirt – Available in My Shop in the Entertainment Parody Section

The Original from the new Extended Teaser

“Our favorite cantankerous, cane wielding, pill popping, super-fancy diagnostician has landed himself in rehab at the Mayfield Psychiatric Hospital. Celebrate his attempt at sobriety or express your sympathy for the staff with their entrance sign on your body.”

2. Taxi Driver – “I think someone should just take this city and just… just flush it down the fuckin’ toilet; meat-a-ball testicles and all.”

3. The Deer Hunter – “Hey, watch out, Axel. We’ll be calling him old fireballs after tonight on account of his sexy testicles and how they burn the tongue.”

4. Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein – “I keep my promises.  They’re right here with my testicles.  This way they stay warm”

5. Meet the Parents – “I have nipples on my testicles, Greg, could you milk them?”

Honorable mention: As Louis Cyphre (don’t wanna spoil the movie, but get it?) in Angel Heart, De Niro slowly peels and eats testicles in an attempt to disturb and whet the appetite of Mickey Rourke’s Harry Angel.

This place would be a total shithole!

I am curious of Olivia Newton John’s lineage though.  If related, the apple falling from the tree bit would be even more absurd than this notion of “gravity” if that is its’ real name.

However, if in a restaurant and faced with a chocking victim I would merely point at the “save a chocking fucker” sign. Everything everyone needs to know is neatly illustrated by the same people who bring you Airplane Emergency Fucker trifold, laminated pamphlets.

After all, I’m a doctor and I don’t have time for this bullshit!

It wouldn’t be your fault though; after all it’s ginger ale.

Heisenberg

Influenced by the “pseudonym” of overqualified chemistry teacher, crystal meth manufacturer and current lung cancer / gang bang survivor Walter Hartwell White (played by Bryan Cranston) in the AMC series Breaking Bad, the legend of Heisenberg strikes fear into the hearts of many manly men.

Better Call Saul

Saul Goodman as seen in Breaking Bad on AMC (and played by Bob Odenkirk) is quite possibly the world’s greatest attorney of all time. Though his real name is McGill, he uses another name to sound more Jewish because, you know, “it’s all good man.”

Additionally, I currently offer shirts based on Heroes, Castle, Jaws and The Watchmen in the Entertainment Parody Category.   My Jaleeb Caru is Dead Category features a bunch of shirts that range from the silly to the absurd.

But don’t be like Jaleeb Caru kids; eat it fast before it melts all over your Sunday dress or you’ll be sorry!

BTW, that ding dong in the Iced Cream truck from last week didn’t have any left (well, he had a few red ones but they taste like shit).