In anticipation of the upcoming and awesome looking new season of House M.D. (medical doctor in laymen’s terms), I’ve whipped up a shirt with the front door sign from where he’ll be spending time terrorizing everyone as he detoxes from over 5 seasons of pain killer abuse.   Should be a laugh riot.

The T-Shirt – Available in My Shop in the Entertainment Parody Section

The Original from the new Extended Teaser

“Our favorite cantankerous, cane wielding, pill popping, super-fancy diagnostician has landed himself in rehab at the Mayfield Psychiatric Hospital. Celebrate his attempt at sobriety or express your sympathy for the staff with their entrance sign on your body.”

1. Mean Streets – “…yeah. No. No, Joey Scallops is Joey Clams.  He’s the one with testicles for hands.”

2. Taxi Driver – “I think someone should just take this city and just… just flush it down the fuckin’ toilet, meat-a-ball testicles and all.”

3. The Deer Hunter – “Hey, watch out, Axel. We’ll be calling him old fireballs after tonight on account of his sexy testicles and how they burn the tongue.”

4. Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein – “I keep my promises.  They’re right here with my testicles.  This way they stay warm”

5. Meet the Parents – “I have nipples on my testicles, Greg, could you milk them?”

Honorable mention: As Louis Cyphre (don’t wanna spoil the movie, but get it?) in Angel Heart, De Niro slowly peels and eats testicles in an attempt to disturb and whet the appetite of Mickey Rourke’s Harry Angel.

if Newton was right?

This place would be a total shithole!

I am curious of Olivia Newton John’s lineage though.  If related, the apple falling from the tree bit would be even more absurd than this notion of “gravity” if that is its’ real name.

I would probably wear my stethoscope everywhere, just so people knew I was legit. I’d likely even wear it when I had to go to the doctor, just to let him know I’m a patient AND a peer and that he could shove his diploma up his ass.

However, if in a restaurant and faced with a chocking victim I would merely point at the “save a chocking fucker” sign. Everything everyone needs to know is neatly illustrated by the same people who bring you Airplane Emergency Fucker trifold, laminated pamphlets.

After all, I’m a doctor and I don’t have time for this bullshit!

It’s tops. If you were to engage it in battle you would certainly lose despite your massive strenghtitiude.

It wouldn’t be your fault though; after all it’s ginger ale.

Here are a few parody shirts I made based on the wonderful AMC television show Breaking Bad.  If you are interested in purchasing them please click the name of the shirt or the image and you will be directed to the Entertainment Parody product page on my shop.

Heisenberg

Influenced by the “pseudonym” of overqualified chemistry teacher, crystal meth manufacturer and current lung cancer / gang bang survivor Walter Hartwell White (played by Bryan Cranston) in the AMC series Breaking Bad, the legend of Heisenberg strikes fear into the hearts of many manly men.

Better Call Saul

Saul Goodman as seen in Breaking Bad on AMC (and played by Bob Odenkirk) is quite possibly the world’s greatest attorney of all time. Though his real name is McGill, he uses another name to sound more Jewish because, you know, “it’s all good man.”

Additionally, I currently offer shirts based on Heroes, Castle, Jaws and The Watchmen in the Entertainment Parody Category.   My Jaleeb Caru is Dead Category features a bunch of shirts that range from the silly to the absurd.

On a hot summer day, nothing cools you down like a delicious motorsicle. Blue is my favorite and I don’t even care if my lips look like a dead guy for a few days after (I don’t wash much).

But don’t be like Jaleeb Caru kids; eat it fast before it melts all over your Sunday dress or you’ll be sorry!

BTW, that ding dong in the Iced Cream truck from last week didn’t have any left (well, he had a few red ones but they taste like shit).

there’s a shittin’ iced cream truck outside.

Rink-a-dee-dink Da-dink-dee-dink Dee-dink Dee-dink Dee-diiiink-dink
Rink-a-dee-dink Da-dink-dee-dink Dee-dink Dee-dink Dee-diiiink

I bet he thinks he’s so great. But he’ll be sorry. He’ll be sorry when I’m dead.

And why don’t they have any teeth?

It’s ridiculous and fake, if you’re going to pay ALL this money for a mobile computation device to show that you’re better then everyone else (which you are) then the least they could do is resist biting your logo before shipping your product.

In Appleland, they first bit the logo, And I didn’t speak up because I put stickers on my computer;
And then they bit my keyboard, And I didn’t speak up because I’m missing a finger and never use the ESC key;
And then they bit my screen, And I didn’t speak up because I have no peripheral vision;
And then . . . they bit me . . . And by that time there was no one left to speak up.

Assholes.

and someone is following me, real close like.  I pretend that I’m those two hot babes from Cannonball Run and they’re the fuzz.  I generally put on some great music like The Final Countdown, really loud for maximum awesome. 

Then I drive slower so it seems like they’re gaining on me and then I go back to normal speed, but they can keep up with me because their cop car is souped up, mmm…mmmm…good.

It’s all fun and games until I end up driving into a swimming pool.  Then it’s just games. One time I was stuck in the car underwater for over an hour. It was the greatest 20 minutes of my life.

…then why aren’t you out doing something rad?

These guys kept sending emails after I bought tickets through them for the Thursday midnight premier of The Watchmen asking for a “user review.”  I won’t bore you with another unnecessarily verbose review, but suffice it to say, I loved it.

There was a ton of stuff I wish they didn’t do and a ton of stuff they didn’t do that I wished they did, but all in all it was much better than I expected (though I was a bit concerned).  Anyhoo, here’s my terribly written review…

There’s some really funny stuff that people did in an attempt to destroy the Watchmen film, which many people fear will never live up to the comic.

Check it out here.

While I didn’t place, my entries did make it into the “Gallery of Champions” which was an amazing feat as they narrowed down the 300 entries to only a mere 104. Phew.

Here are my entries (cropped and resized for blogability)…

This fourth one is tough to see at this resolution so I’ve linked it to the larger resolution one on Gizmodo. The nine not-so-subtle inserts from right to left Powder, Star Trek Guy Glasses, Devine from Pink Flamingos, 300 Poster, Lauren Hill, Dawn of the Dead remake poster, ceiling lolcat, Spiderbot from Runaway and obviously Marty McFly.

After watching this week’s awesome episode, I realized I wrote a draft about the show after watching the entire second season in one sitting while under the weather.  I never posted it because it was too wordy, but the new season was, in my opinion even better than the second, so I decided to post it anyway…

I love the crapping crap out of this showy show, not 100% sure why.

I understand its allure; after all spies, gadgets, action and sexy ladies (like Michael Weston’s moms) are undeniably appealing. However, it happens to be a coolified hodgepodge of crap mainly derivative of The A-Team, The Bourne Identity, MacGyver, and a chain smoking, boozing reject from the Golden Girls (Estelle Getty RIP, my love). With Bruce Campbell playing the part of the zany neighbor, Larry Dallas.

While the scripts are well written, the acting is decent and the action is exciting and well shot, it’s grossly formulaic and often unbelievable to the point of making it fall into the “guilty pleasure” category. A standard episode usually follows this guideline:

1. Michael (usually with Fiona) picks up where he left off trying to find out who burned him in the previous episode.
2. Someone rains on his parade and pleads to help him with an insurmountable problem to which he begrudgingly agrees to help.
3. A plan is put in place and the legwork begins.
4. Plan receives monkey wrench to extend episode to 43 minutes.
5. New ridiculously impossible plan is created on the fly with little or no recon.
6. It’s close, but the plan goes well. “Client” thanks him, he refuses payment.
7. A talk with mom.
8. Burn notice investigation continues and a move forward is achieved after little or no progress throughout episode.

Another aspect of the formula is how Jeffrey Donovan goes undercover and gets to put on a fake accent. This allows him to show off his “acting chops” honed after years and years of playing nobodies on television shows (with the exception of the brilliant Touching Evil). It also allows him to separate his teeth when he talks, which is a treat for the viewers.

Throughout this roller-coaster ride Michael Weston speaks in a pretty smarmy voice over and says things like, “Know what it’s like being a spy? Like sitting in your dentist’s reception area twenty-four hours a day. Read magazines, have coffee, and every so often…someone tries to kill you.” Subtle as flatulence in an elevator. Not only is the lead character beyond unbelievable, he manages to pull off the most insane timing week after week. It’s absolutely absurd how perfectly orchestrated everything is, it reminds me of a musical. Regardless of what your brain tells you, these moments are extremely exciting.

Now like most people, I’m a pretty big Bruce Campbell fan and he’s pretty good in it so the fact that he’s still playing Ash County Jr. is fine by me.  It’s also nice to see him making jokes instead of being the target of them. He’s always done well playing the role of an obnoxious prick as evident when he was hilarious in his performance as an obnoxious prick when me and a few of my buddies went to get shit signed by him at a comic shop prior to the release of Army of Darkness.  He told us to, “go buy something or get the hell out of here!”  That guy is funny as hell.

Now I’ve certainly got no problem with the lovely Anwar and her ripped arms, but I long for the less gaunt face she had in the days of Body Snatchers and Things to do in Denver when You’re Dead. You know back when she was sexy and slightly less emaciated (also, I think something’s medically wrong with her neck).

All in all, Burn Notice is fun as crap.  So fun I always forget how stupid it is. Now would somebody get me a mojito?

Annotation: 3/7/09 – Just saw the season finale, best one yet. The show reminds me of when I came out of Rocky II and we were all fake boxing until one of my asshole “friends” punched another one of us in the face and blackened his eye. I’m not saying that’s cool or anything, but I am saying that this show makes me want to karate-chop my grandma in the face (not really, it’s a metaphor the kind like House M.D. uses only it makes less sense).

In conclusion, the show with holes so big you could drive a planet through continues to excite and entertain me, relentlessly.

Especially at the dentist.

Today I had the privilege of having a root canal at an Orthodontist while still a bit under the weather. The result: a violent sneeze during the procedure.

Luckilly, I was quick enough to raise my hand in warning giving them a chance to remove the fine drill from my mouth hole. Basically, I almost blew the thing off my face, got snot all over the outside and filled the back of said dental shield with viscous sputum.

It was so awesome.

There have been many corny internet fads, online banking for example, but none has been as vomit inducing as the lolcat. I don’t know the history, but I’m sure it’s stupid.

The fact is, people took a break from making craft books and started taking cat pictures (and other cutie animals) and putting hilarious statements below them like “What me worry?” only less funny.

Probably the best known lolcat resource is the site icanhascheezburger.com which looks like it was designed back in the day when Prodigy was the only way to get online by a designer with a spike in his head.

Anyway, everytime you laugh at one of these know that you’re stealing food from a starving baby, you rotten bastard.

There is no greater mystery in cinema than Mystery Men. Why did it suck? Why was it boring? What did they do wrong?

Allow me to begin by mentioning that the person who directed this film made the not very award winning Taco Bell commercials with the rat feces sculpture of a chihuahua. I mention it, but I don’t necessarily think that bad direction is the problem with this film.

Based on a Dark Horse comic book by the creator of Flaming Carrot, the movie focuses on a motley group of “wanna be” superheros. The cast is stellar, featuring Ben Stiller, William H. Macy, Geoffrey Rush, Greg Kinnear, Tom Waits, Paul Rubens, Claire Folani, Hank Azaria, Janeane Garolfolo, Eddie Izzard, Kel Mitchell and Riki Rachtman to name a few.

The script is pretty funny, probably not as funny as the comic, but very funny. The lines are well delivered and the gags are well executed. The budget was appropriately large, and while things sometimes looked off or “cheesy” it was all solid.

So while the pacing may be a bit off, the jokes may be a tad tired and the costumes may be a bit dramatic, there’s no reason that I can see that would cause this movie to be as unwatchable as it is. WTHF?

is making me thirsty.

Here’s some statistics on blogging, blogs and Lincoln Logs anyway…

Several studies indicate that most blogs are abandoned soon after creation (with 60% to 80% abandoned within one month, depending on whose figures you choose to believe) and that few are regularly updated.

Perseus claimed that the average duration of the remaining 1.63 million abandoned blogs was 126 days, with some 132,000 blogs being abandoned after a year or more. The oldest abandoned blog surveyed had been maintained for 923 days.

Source

It has been the Lincoln Logs LTD’s experience, over the past four years for which such statistics have been kept, that the products for an average of approximately 43% of the undelivered contracts in the backlog at the end of the fiscal year are shipped in the subsequent fiscal year.

 Source

The more you know, the more you grow.  If your memory isn’t photographic, you may want to make note of this information so as to amaze your friends and family at cocktail parties and the like.

Please help me out, I really want to win this contest

This is a montage of a Halo 2 grudge match between myself and a friend, with Napoleon Dynamite playing the part of me. It’s a bit dated, but I had nothing to bring to the table today so I figured I’d milk this some more. Sue me.

If you sue me I will counter-sue for all the tapioca in Guatemala as this would be a frivolous lawsuit and a waste of the court’s time.  Seriously, what the hell-heck is wrong with you?

I think it’s a load of shit that there aren’t more underwater umbrellas available. You’d think there’d be a pretty strong market for these but I can’t find one anywhere and quite frankly, I’m getting tired of looking.

Mother nature thinks she’s such hot shit.

I wear glasses because my 7th grade girlfriend didn’t put out. I generally wear metal frames that are thin because I feel that glasses look like a gigantic billboard on your face that reads, “I am glasses on a face!” I have a love/hate relationship with plastic frames. I love the way they look, I hate to wear them.

Whenever I wear them I feel like I’m wearing one of those classy foam cowboy hats. I also feel like a pretentious asshole, like “look at me, I read and shit! Books even.”

I feel like the second I put them on I’m seen as someone who’s a tremendous asswipe without people actually needing to get to know me to discover what a tremendous asswipe I am. I’m pretty certain this is a direct result of my feelings towards others who’s skulls are adorned with such plastic face jewelry.

So I’ve got these new frames and I’m stuck with them. If only I could find the eyebrows and nose my disguise would be complete.

Here’s a non-artist’s representation of what the glasses look like on my faces.

People have been cooking meats in various sauces and stocks from very ancient times. Why? The liquid acted as a cooking medium, made tough meat more palatable, and added flavor to the dish. Gravies evolved over time according to ingredient availabilty, local tastes, and traditional cuisine. Some are composed of meat drippings, others from creamy components. Today, gravies are typically used as a cooking medium, thickening agent, and topping. There are hundreds of recipes.

According to the Oxford English Dictionary, the English word “gravy” is obscure in origin. It is most likely derived from the Old French word “grane.” The earliest printed evidence of this word in our language from the Forme of Curry, an English cookbook circa 1390.

Source