Euro Oval Stickers & The Decline of Civilization

WTHF?

Back in ’69 most European license plates looked the same.  So in an effort to distinguish it was required that you apply a sticker with your country code of origin.

Legit Ovals

Later it became cool to put stickers of places your ancestors are from that you’ve never been to because many could only identify with their heritage as they lacked any personality of note.

Identity Ovals

Then it was quiet and suddenly, out of the silence came a shitload of stupid novelty oval stickers that were basically the equivalent of Calvin peeing on something only less funny and more low brow than a “no fat chicks” sticker (which lacks the subtlety of the “free mustache rides t-shirt).  Many even had pictures, can you believe it?  Even worse, plenty were showcasing agendas.

Absurd Ovals

Today, we’ve risen above the bad taste and simply have stickers that are so personalized that they’re unidentifyable.  Is that a football team, a tv show or an internet meme that’s over my head?

WTHF Ovals

Oh it’s your alma mater? Well sir, they owe you an education because you are clearly a dipshit!

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98% of Facebook Users Don’t Want to be at Work Today

This shocking information comes via a recent study by the statistic minded, statistic gatherers and compilers of the top secret organization known as the CENSUS BUREAU (yes, like the furniture, I didn’t believe it either until I found they have a website proving they’re a legitimate organization).

Unlike the image that we all share of happy workers, working hard today like the ones below in the multiculturally diverse, business looking stock photo; FaceBook users are actually more likely to be wearing a frown than an unnatural smile and breakaway Dockers while standing in a triangular flight formation.

THIS IMAGE IS A LIE!

The remaining 2% of FaceBook users may or may not be happy to be working today.  It’s difficult to tell as they are currently posting the food they are, or plan on eating, the bowel movement they recently parted with, the Cuban gangster they just killed or something political that they cut and pasted from a junk email from their cousin’s idiot girlfriend who they pretend to like.

An inside source, Susie “Lolcat” Lewis who wishes to remain unanimous “friended” a Census employee named Margaret Hughes and was surprised to discover that even her “friend” was occasionally unhappy to be at work today.  However, since Margaret Hughes (the data entry clerk on the fourth floor and who consumes a Cathy mug of cheap bourbon three times a working day) continuously rejects our friend request; we have yet to confirm this allegation.

Further studies suggest that even some non-FaceBook users are unhappy to be at work today. However, this could not be confirmed as they had no way of communicating this information with that kid from grammar school that they never spoke to because she smelled like cheeses, or anyone for that matter, as most businesses have now adopted the “No Sharpies in the Bathroom Stall” policy engineered by Sony.

Businesses around the globe struggle to find the source of this problem that has grown exponentially at almost the exact same rate as the popularity of social networking, yet they have made no progress today.  However according to most business leaders’s status updates, they have made great progress in getting new animals in their farm.

A side study also discovered that 100% of all white people thought the person in the front of the above photo was “that boss lady from Law & Order; the good one, not the overrated one for perverts to get their jollies to.”

The writer of this article wishes to remain anonymous as any of his FaceBook friends would be well aware of the fact that he didn’t feel like being at work on the day he wrote this article, which coincidentally was today.  Also, this article sounded funnier in his head when he couldn’t sleep last night and now he thinks The Onion probably did it three years ago with better grammar and  funny.

WTHF? Who Bit this Apple?

And why don’t they have any teeth?

It’s ridiculous and fake, if you’re going to pay ALL this money for a mobile computation device to show that you’re better then everyone else (which you are) then the least they could do is resist biting your logo before shipping your product.

Where's the Teef?

In Appleland, they first bit the logo, And I didn’t speak up because I put stickers on my computer;
And then they bit my keyboard, And I didn’t speak up because I’m missing a finger and never use the ESC key;
And then they bit my screen, And I didn’t speak up because I have no peripheral vision;
And then . . . they bit me . . . And by that time there was no one left to speak up.

Assholes.

Burn Notice: WTHF?

After watching this week’s awesome episode, I realized I wrote a draft about the show after watching the entire second season in one sitting while under the weather.  I never posted it because it was too wordy, but the new season was, in my opinion even better than the second, so I decided to post it anyway…

I love the crapping crap out of this showy show, not 100% sure why.

BNWTHF?

I understand its allure; after all spies, gadgets, action and sexy ladies (like Michael Weston’s moms) are undeniably appealing. However, it happens to be a coolified hodgepodge of crap mainly derivative of The A-Team, The Bourne Identity, MacGyver, and a chain smoking, boozing reject from the Golden Girls (Estelle Getty RIP, my love). With Bruce Campbell playing the part of the zany neighbor, Larry Dallas.

It all equals AWESOME!!!!

While the scripts are well written, the acting is decent and the action is exciting and well shot, it’s grossly formulaic and often unbelievable to the point of making it fall into the “guilty pleasure” category. A standard episode usually follows this guideline:

  1. Michael (usually with Fiona) picks up where he left off trying to find out who burned him in the previous episode.
  2. Someone rains on his parade and pleads to help him with an insurmountable problem to which he begrudgingly agrees to help.
  3. A plan is put in place and the legwork begins.
  4. Plan receives monkey wrench to extend episode to 43 minutes.
  5. New ridiculously impossible plan is created on the fly with little or no recon.
  6. It’s close, but the plan goes well. “Client” thanks him, he refuses payment.
  7. A talk with mom.
  8. Burn notice investigation continues and a move forward is achieved after little or no progress throughout episode.

Another aspect of the formula is how Jeffrey Donovan goes undercover and gets to put on a fake accent. This allows him to show off his “acting chops” honed after years and years of playing nobodies on television shows (with the exception of the brilliant Touching Evil). It also allows him to separate his teeth when he talks, which is a treat for the viewers.

Let me tell you something about being a super-cool spy...

Throughout this roller-coaster ride Michael Weston speaks in a pretty smarmy voice over and says things like, “Know what it’s like being a spy? Like sitting in your dentist’s reception area twenty-four hours a day. Read magazines, have coffee, and every so often…someone tries to kill you.” Subtle as flatulence in an elevator. Not only is the lead character beyond unbelievable, he manages to pull off the most insane timing week after week. It’s absolutely absurd how perfectly orchestrated everything is, it reminds me of a musical. Regardless of what your brain tells you, these moments are extremely exciting.

Now like most people, I’m a pretty big Bruce Campbell fan and he’s pretty good in it so the fact that he’s still playing Ash County Jr. is fine by me.  It’s also nice to see him making jokes instead of being the target of them. He’s always done well playing the role of an obnoxious prick as evident when he was hilarious in his performance as an obnoxious prick when me and a few of my buddies went to get shit signed by him at a comic shop prior to the release of Army of Darkness.  He told us to, “go buy something or get the hell out of here!”  That guy is funny as hell.

Ash Sig Holder

Now I’ve certainly got no problem with the lovely Anwar and her ripped arms, but I long for the less gaunt face she had in the days of Body Snatchers and Things to do in Denver when You’re Dead. You know back when she was sexy and slightly less emaciated (also, I think something’s medically wrong with her neck).

Skinny=Sexyr/Not always

All in all, Burn Notice is fun as crap.  So fun I always forget how stupid it is. Now would somebody get me a mojito?


Annotation: 3/7/09
– Just saw the season finale, best one yet. The show reminds me of when I came out of Rocky II and we were all fake boxing until one of my asshole “friends” punched another one of us in the face and blackened his eye. I’m not saying that’s cool or anything, but I am saying that this show makes me want to karate-chop my grandma in the face (not really, it’s a metaphor the kind like House M.D. uses only it makes less sense).

In conclusion, the show with holes so big you could drive a planet through continues to excite and entertain me, relentlessly.

U2 Kan Haz Week Jokez!

There have been many corny internet fads, online banking for example, but none has been as vomit inducing as the lolcat. I don’t know the history, but I’m sure it’s stupid.

The fact is, people took a break from making craft books and started taking cat pictures (and other cutie animals) and putting hilarious statements below them like “What me worry?” only less funny.

Aren't Eye Cute

Probably the best known lolcat resource is the site icanhascheezburger.com which looks like it was designed back in the day when Prodigy was the only way to get online by a designer with a spike in his head.

Anyway, everytime you laugh at one of these know that you’re stealing food from a starving baby, you rotten bastard.