98% of Facebook Users Don’t Want to be at Work Today

This shocking information comes via a recent study by the statistic minded, statistic gatherers and compilers of the top secret organization known as the CENSUS BUREAU (yes, like the furniture, I didn’t believe it either until I found they have a website proving they’re a legitimate organization).

Unlike the image that we all share of happy workers, working hard today like the ones below in the multiculturally diverse, business looking stock photo; FaceBook users are actually more likely to be wearing a frown than an unnatural smile and breakaway Dockers while standing in a triangular flight formation.

The remaining 2% of FaceBook users may or may not be happy to be working today.  It’s difficult to tell as they are currently posting the food they are, or plan on eating, the bowel movement they recently parted with, the Cuban gangster they just killed or something political that they cut and pasted from a junk email from their cousin’s idiot girlfriend who they pretend to like.

An inside source, Susie “Lolcat” Lewis who wishes to remain unanimous “friended” a Census employee named Margaret Hughes and was surprised to discover that even her “friend” was occasionally unhappy to be at work today.  However, since Margaret Hughes (the data entry clerk on the fourth floor and who consumes a Cathy mug of cheap bourbon three times a working day) continuously rejects our friend request; we have yet to confirm this allegation.

Further studies suggest that even some non-FaceBook users are unhappy to be at work today. However, this could not be confirmed as they had no way of communicating this information with that kid from grammar school that they never spoke to because she smelled like cheeses, or anyone for that matter, as most businesses have now adopted the “No Sharpies in the Bathroom Stall” policy engineered by Sony.

Businesses around the globe struggle to find the source of this problem that has grown exponentially at almost the exact same rate as the popularity of social networking, yet they have made no progress today.  However according to most business leaders’s status updates, they have made great progress in getting new animals in their farm.

A side study also discovered that 100% of all white people thought the person in the front of the above photo was “that boss lady from Law & Order; the good one, not the overrated one for perverts to get their jollies to.”

The writer of this article wishes to remain anonymous as any of his FaceBook friends would be well aware of the fact that he didn’t feel like being at work on the day he wrote this article, which coincidentally was today.  Also, this article sounded funnier in his head when he couldn’t sleep last night and now he thinks The Onion probably did it three years ago with better grammar and  funny.

WTHF? Who Bit this Apple?

And why don’t they have any teeth?

It’s ridiculous and fake, if you’re going to pay ALL this money for a mobile computation device to show that you’re better then everyone else (which you are) then the least they could do is resist biting your logo before shipping your product.

In Appleland, they first bit the logo, And I didn’t speak up because I put stickers on my computer;
And then they bit my keyboard, And I didn’t speak up because I’m missing a finger and never use the ESC key;
And then they bit my screen, And I didn’t speak up because I have no peripheral vision;
And then . . . they bit me . . . And by that time there was no one left to speak up.

Assholes.